Fill Your Own Cup First
“Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion.” – Margo Anand
One theme I am consistently aware of in my work with clients is that folks feel overwhelmed, stressed out, and frazzled. In particular, women often find themselves putting everyone else’s needs, wants and desires ahead of their own, then find they don’t have the time or energy for even the most basic level of their own self-care. Their tanks are beyond empty, and yet day in and day out they continue giving to others, at a deficit, and eventually they completely run out of gas, experiencing burnout, anger, resentment, and bone-deep fatigue.
Over the yeas, I have worked with a number of clients who have been raised to put others’ needs ahead of their own. The following story is a conglomeration of stories from many clients’ lives who sought help because they were experiencing fatigue and overwhelm due to putting everyone else’s needs ahead of their own, yet couldn’t seem to change their behavior. To make the story relatable, I’ve merged the stories into one fictitious person name Jane.
The story: Jane used to take care of everyone else’s needs first. Her husband, her two teenage children, her friends. Everyone. At the end of the day she was depleted, empty, at zero on her gas tank, with absolutely nothing left for herself. Over time she began feeling resentful, but at the same time felt powerless to change because her habit of taking care of everyone else was so deeply ingrained in her that she didn’t even know it was there (sneaky things, those subconscious blocks and beliefs).
A friend of hers recommended she begin putting herself first. Aghast, she resisted. “What? I can’t do that. I’ll let everyone down. Nobody will approve.” She balked. The roof would cave in. The house would be a mess! Everyone would run amok. Nothing would get done. Life, as she knew it, would get very messy.
So, she carried on. Business as usual. Finally, she was so empty and depleted that she had nothing left to give. Not to anyone.
Desperate, she tried her friend’s suggestion, giving ample forewarning to those around her. From here on out, she said, “My needs and desires came first. Everyone and everything else comes second.” At first, her family members challenged her. The committees railed. Her friends waa-hhhed and wailed. Although she felt guilty for putting herself first, tempted to give in, she stood her ground.
What she discovered astounded her: When she gave to others first, she was depleted. When she put herself first, her energy was full and overflowing, and she had plenty left over to give to others.
It didn’t take long for her husband and children to notice that when she put others first, she was cranky. Begrudging. Exhausted. But, when she put herself first, she was different – happy, fun to be around, vibrant. Soon they began encouraging her to put her Self first.
Moral of the story: When a cup is empty there is nothing for anyone to drink. When a cup is overflowing there is plenty for everyone to drink.
If you find yourself putting everyone and everything before your own needs and desires, are experiencing overwhelm, frustration, resentment, burnout, fatigue, and STRESS I can help you identify and dismantle the conscious and subconscious blocks, behaviors and beliefs that are keeping you feeling stuck you in the energy of obligation and resentment. Together, we can shift your experience from overwhelm and exhaustion to vibrant dynamic energy, and genuine contribution of your unique gifts and talents in the world. I’m here when you’re ready. Connect with Grace.
With love and gratitude,
Grace
